All parents want to train their children to be courteous. And if we are honest, we will admit that at least part of the reason is that all parents want their children to "fit in" to society, and have their children's actions reflect well on themselves.

My wife and I have discussed how courtesy has been largely lost today. This is true to the point that when my child was asked if he would like a cookie at my office, people came to me days later to express their amazement that his response was "Yes, that would be nice." not "Yeah."

However, there is a line that we overzealous, well meaning parents often cross. The problem is when we stop allowing our children to exercise their judgment, and require them to act out intimacy that they do not feel. How many times have you heard a mother say, "Go give Aunt Karen a kiss" or "He won't bite, just sit on Bob's lap for a while"? These are not inherently wrong things to say, but I cringe when I see a parent push their children to act against what their own intuition tells them. If a small child (say 18 months old) doesn't want to run and hug a friend or relative that they do not know, or have not seen in a while, I think it is best to allow them to listen to that still small voice and insist only upon courtesy. Children should not be pushed to show affection they do not feel. My young children must be polite, but if they don't want to hug my old family friend or sit on Grandpa's lap, I will not force them.

This has the potential to create awkward situations from time to time. It may be embarrassing when your folks come over that your 3 year old won't run to Uncle Ned when he comes in the door and yells "COME HERE!" but as the adult, you should be able to say something to help smooth over the situation, while respecting your child's judgement. And if Uncle Ned has a bit of patience, junior will be reading a book on his lap, or taking a ride on his back soon, probably in minutes.

You might be saying, "My job is to train my children" or "They need to take on my sense of judgement" and you would be correct. No where here am I saying that a child can ignore an adult, or do whatever they want. I believe they should be taught to be courteous, to look adults in the eye, to say "Hello" or "Welcome", to shake hands, but not forced to display closeness they do not feel. Constantly overriding a child's intuition or conscience, will diminish their attentiveness to it. That still small voice will be trained in time, and if it has not been beaten down and habitually overridden, it will serve your child well.

When that child drives away in your car for the first time, or goes off to college, that conscience, properly trained and nurtured, is what will bring them home again safely.